September 24, 2009

• Bravery and Prayers

  Is anyone tired of me asking for prayers???? 

  It's been a tiring week and this is the first time I've been out of bed, except to go to our bathroom and the doctor's office, yesterday.  I'm a true bloggy nut!  I got out of bed just for this . . . to BLOG!!! 

  ===============

  Anyway, yesterday was really rough.  I made the decision (at the request of my doctor) to reconsider stopping the radiation treatments, right now.  She said I had told her in the beginning to remind me, if I ever felt like quitting, that what I REALLY wanted (when I was in a good frame of mind and able to make rational decisions) was an aggressive cancer treatment plan. 

  She was right.  That was what the full functioning me had decided, back in April. 

  I remember saying those very words to her.

  I had to chew through the gravity of my words and what that would mean to me, physically, to finish all 15 treatments.  (big sigh) 

  She was upfront and totally honest with me.  She believes the cancer that is left in my bone will become resistent, if I don't take the rest of the radiation treatments NOW.  In fact, she doubted waiting until January would be effective and she also doubted she would even recommend treatments at that time.

  She told me I *probably* will get just as sick again and *quite probably* could be worse than I was last week.  I *could* (very possibly) end up in the hospital for weeks; but, its *highly unlikely* I will end up with a feeding tube.    Is that the "good news"??????

  ===============

  We talked.  I cried.  I agreed to undergo the last seven radiation treatments, starting this next Monday.  I'll have one each day next week (Mon. - Fri.)  and the last two on the following Mon. and Tues.  I cried some more.  

  I told her I didn't appreciate the radiology oncologist not preparing me for such a painful reaction to my treatments.  Telling me I "probably would feel a slight pressure" was grossly wrong, and I would have much rather had a truthful story about what *could* happen.  I had been totally unprepared for ANY pain and resented it.    Again, I cried some more.

  My oncologist is awesome - truly, she is!  She made sure *I* was sure about continuing forward.  She waited in the exam room until she knew I wasn't going to fall apart in a dissolving mass of tears.  She hugged me and left the room.   

  She sent me to the chemo room for my bone strengthening (monthly) IV medicine and a bag of saline to rehydrate me.  She told me I could come everyday AND Saturday for a bag of saline.  She trusted my judgment to KNOW when I needed more fluids.

  ========================

  I went to the chemo room and asked for a bedroom.  At that moment, I didn't feel conversational and didn't want to make eye contact with anyone.  I held my feelings together until I got into the private room, behind a closed door, and then let loose with sobs.  Sobs from my toes.  I'm VERY scared - I make no bones about that fact.  To make a decision to torture myself, when I already know how bad the pain can be, was an incredibly hard decision to make.  I had to be very brave and do what was right and not what I wanted . . . which is an easy way out.

  I sobbed and sobbed, waiting for the wonderful chemo nurse, Pam, to come in and start my IV.  She was behind with her patients and it gave me some private time to cry freely.  She, finally came to my room, took one look at me, closed the door, and began to pray for me out loud.  She spoke one Scripture after another over me for 5 or 10 minutes nonstop.  I cried the whole time. 

  She hooked me up to the IV saline and left me alone . . . to cry.

  =========================

  Soon after she left, the door opened and the radiology oncologist's nurse came in and asked if I was okay.  By then, I was in a fetal position sobbing my heart out and clutching my soggy tissues in my sweaty palms. 

  She asked, "Are you okay??"      (Yeah!  She asked!)

  "No, I'm not.  I'm not okay at all." 

  She became VERY concerned and extremely KIND as she questioned me about what exactly had happened to me and in what time frame.  I feel sure my oncologist called the radiology department after she left the exam room and told them I wasn't a happy camper and was a person who wanted the facts - not sugar coated words.  I told her everything and the gory ER and hospital stay details.

  She said she had an idea and said she'd be back. 

  She came back about 20 minutes later and said she had done some checking and handed me two prescriptions.  She said what I described was an esophageal spasm (the very thing I told the doctor who was on call the night I was so sick) and that she was giving me something for spasms and chest pain (one RX is $340!!!!!)

  I pray the new drugs work and that keeping me hydrated with saline bags 3 days next week (M,W,F) will abate the serious pain I had to endure the last time.

  My consolation is that last week, on Wednesday, I was in the E.R. in agonizing pain and by yesterday's Wednesday I was in tolerable pain.  The oncologist explained to me my tissues and esophagus were experiencing "scatter" from the radiation that was being sent into my backbone.  *That* radiation (concentrated in my back) would continue to burn the bone area for months, but the "radiation scatter" would not keep burning the surrounding tissues or organ areas.  It was a short lived reaction.

  Some consolation, I supposed. 

  =================

  My dreadfully HUGE fear has abated.  Actually, the last 30 minutes I was hooked to an IV, yesterday, I read (SLOWLY) through the Bible in Hebrews 10 & 11. 

  I thought,  "At least I'm not being sawed in half . . ."  (yeah! I'm still a "Pollyanna")

  =================

  I'm not able to be on here much.  I'm on bed rest.  My sweet friend Emily came here today to fix meals (and treats) for the next few days.  She asked the church to help 2 or 3 times a week with meals for the next 6 weeks.  There were 4 immediate (and very ready) volunteers.  Such a blessing - God's children!

  =================

  I'm grateful my good friend Lori K  who posted for me, while I was in the hospital.  She can be trusted and I trust her with my life (even my Xanga password!!!! ). 

  IF I become incapcitated again (or hospitalized) - I'm sure she will post an update.  She's such a good friend, sister in Christ, and "therapist" . . . I've definitely talked her ear off this week . . . and she let me do it! 

  ===============

  My Xanga friends, you have been so wonderfully kind and supportive.  The huge amount of prayers sent up on my behalf were mind boggling!  Thank you!  Thank you!

  ==============

  Please continue to remember me in your prayers, as I prepare for (and then endure) these last seven radiation treatments. 

  I'm sure my fear is obvious, as you read this, but my hope remains in God and His promises.

  Be Blessed  ~

  • 7:09 pm
  • 26 Comments