September 2, 2009

• My Day to Unload

  (sigh)

  The scourge has hit our home, again!

  Luci was standing in the den this morning and I was at my desk.  Annamarie was seated in the den and said, "Oh no, Mom!  Luci just threw up!"

  I'm wondering . . . At what age do they run for the bathroom instead of standing on white carpeting and letting happen whatever is going to happen?  Somehow, I felt sure, by age seven, the vomiting accidents would have stopped.

  Luci was sent to her bed with saltines and ginger ale, and I cleaned the girls' bathroom, in case the crackers and soda decided to come back up.

         
                                     She doesn't look like she feels very bad, does she?  LOL!!!

  =====================

  I was telling Jesse this morning, I had an emotional "episode" yesterday evening.  I don't know why (or where) it all started, but I found myself crying.  I had not taken pain pills yesterday (I forgot) and had been on my feet and sitting upright for much of the afternoon.  Naturally, my upper back ached and I had come home from the radiation appointment to lie on the bed while I waited for dinner to cook. 

  That's when the tears and negative thoughts came. 

  Like a flood.

  It's the first time I have cried because of my emotions.  I cried several times because of the pain (horrible pain) but this is the first time I felt sorry for myself.

  They didn't do any radiation yesterday.  They did the CT scan and marked me with clear stickers and Magic Marker pens and told me not to bathe before Thursday.     It will take 48 hours for the "specialist" to analyze the best places on my spine to treat me.  They said I could expect the radiation to be above and below the damaged vertebrae areas.

  I was told I WOULD experience a swollen feeling in my throat and abdomen because of the placement of vertebrae being treated.  I asked if it was a "feeling" of constriction and fullness or if my throat and stomach were "really" swollen.  She said the areas would *really, truly* be swollen.  So, there's no mind over matter I can use to make myself eat.  I'm having to do that, already.  I forced my meals down yesterday - I'm just not hungry.  If I *am* hungry, I get full half way through my small plate of food.  Luci (a small eater) probably eats more than me, right now.

  The nurse said my duration (3 weeks) of radiation was one of the the shorter treatments they give, and my fatigue shouldn't be much more than I have now.  Basically, I won't feel myself gaining any more strength until a month after radiation stops.  I use the word "strength" with my tongue in my cheek.  I'm stronger than I was, but you certainly couldn't call me strong right now!

  They gave me explicit instructions for skin care because the of drying effect radiation will cause.  They will be hitting me from the front and the back of my spine.  So, I might expect a sunburn, dry skin (it is dry naturally, but this will be much worse), and pain on both sides (front & back) of the trunk of my body. 

  I was told to starrt taking the medicine I used to take for acid reflux (the one I took while undergoing chemo) and to start it immediately BEFORE the radiation caused gastric problems. 

  I was given instructions to NOT take any more warm baths (I do that to relax my back and help the neuropathy in my left leg) AND . . .  I can not use my heating pad.  I guess I'm glad she told me that, because I don't know that I would have drawn a parallel to my bath causing my burned skin spots any harm.  Two of the few enjoyable things I have is my leisurely bath and the heating pad on my back after a day of being on my feet.  She said it was just for a short time in my life and soon, in two months, it would all be over with. 

  TWO MONTHS feels incredibly long after all I've been through.

  I'm tired of being poked, prodded, made uncomfortable . . .

  I'm tired of feeling bad and I'm tired of them messing with my body.  I think that was what caused the tears last night.
  
  I KNOW it's a short blip in the time line of my life; but, enduring discomfort month after month (since March) is getting a bit old for me!  I haven't had a day of "feeling normal" in six months, and now we are entering the 7th month.  (sigh, again)  On top of all I've been through, I am being told what kind of soap and lotion to use and the two enjoyable things I have are being taken away from me - my bath and the heating pad. 

  I know *I should* count everything I HAVE, but yesterday was another day  (in my mind) of more that was being taken away from me.  That's pretty much how it's been for six months.  I can do so little, including use my own brain.  I feel like a bumbling idiot.  Inside I feel vibrant, but my body and brain are no where near the same place as my "vibrant feelings" inside my head!!!!

  ====================

  I'm sharing this because I want anyone who is going through cancer treatment to know that they are not alone.  My good attitude through half a year of being poked, prodded, made sick, and made to hurt has been through the grace of God and only Him.  I am a human being with feelings and emotions and I have had to battle those negative things just like anyone else would have to battle them. 

  Plus . . . IF I write a book, this all needs to be recorded somewhere.  My blog site is my source for notes for any future writing I may do.

  ===================

  I wanted to share my feelings of self-pity yesterday afternoon, but I didn't know who to call.  I didn't want to call JoAnn and make her feel guilty for going home.  I was afraid that if I called my friend Lori K, I would begin to weep the minute she spoke (then she would think the worst had happened to me).  A long time friend has put me in touch with a lady from her church, who went through all of this a few years ago.  I thought, if I could pull myself together and stop crying, I would call her and unload.

  Instead, I called on God.  I prayed from the lowest place in my heart that He would comfort me and bring the right person to me, *IF* He wanted another person in my life.  Guess who was on the phone last night?  My sister-in-law (here in this state) who is a nurse and used to specialize in oncology.  She talked to me for 20 -30 minutes and made me feel so much better.  She reassured me about my medical treatment and medications and she validated my emotional state of self-pity . . . now THAT'S a friend!!!

  I slept well last night and feel so much better today.  Nothing has changed. 

  I'm still going to have to forego taking a regular bath (for quick baths in shallow tepid water) and using whatever unscented (etc.) products they tell me to use.  I'm guessing by the end of October . . . . 

  ==============================

                 
  Jesse took Rissy to the pediatrician this morning.  This appointment is to see what the ped. thinks about all of the recent conflicting theories and treatments for Rissy's legs and back.  I'm at the point where I have no questions.  I don't know what to think, anymore.

  This pediatrician has seen Rissy since she was about 12 weeks old.  She is the one who has followed her progress for all of these years AND who recommended she be seen by a neurologist and orthopedic surgeon.  I'll be curious to hear her take on all the new info.

                      

  ==================

  Today will be the day I bake banana bread, clean up my desk, and give the girls some worksheets I copied from a book.  I'm hoping to get them back into the mode of learning before we start school next Wednesday or Thursday.

  Be Blessed  ~

  • 12:40 pm
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