I took the last chemo treatment yesterday. The doctor said my blood count was fine - so I opted to get it over with.
More about that in a minute. I'll try to tell things as they happened over the past few days.
Rissy had an orthopedic appointment on Wednesday. Like usual, at Children's Hospital, Jesse, JoAnn, and Rissy were there for hours and hours. She saw the same doctor who saw her when she was about 3yo. She brought her braces and a list of facts and questions (typed by me) of *who* said *what* and *when* - and, what she was doing at the rehabilitation place in the way of exercises and wearing leg braces. The ortho doctor did his own set of x-rays instead of taking the neurologist's reading. He disagreed that Rissy has scoliosis. His x-rays showed a normal spine and no abnormal bone growth in her legs. The rehab center had measured her legs and said one leg was 3/4" longer than the other. The end result was the orthopedic surgeon wants to see her in 4 months to reevaluate her AFTER she quits wearing the leg braces that he doesn't think she needs at all.
Either someone made a huge mistake - or, God has healed Rissy's back, over the past 3 months, in answer to our prayers. Despite my health issues, I have prayed that her back would be straightened and her pain would subside. We're praising God for this final diagnosis and I'm sure Rissy is happy not wearing sport socks up to her knees and braces just as tall in the middle of 100 degree summer heat! She rarely complains (has never been much of a complainer) and we can see the smile on her face that tells us she is pleased to be free of the encumbering leg braces.
Rissy, Luci, and Annamarie
I've noticed this summer that Luci is growing like a weed. She is maturing, too. All of those daily fits have lessened to a few a week - no longer daily. Praise God for that, too!
Yesterday was a day of surprises for me. I went to the oncologist's at 10:00am and, before going, really had considered lying in one of their rooms with a bed for my treatment. I just didn't feel I'd be able to endure 5 hours of sitting up for my lab, doctor visit, and chemo treatment. 5 hours is the shortest time I can expect to be there. When I got there, there were no available chairs and I was happy to ask for a room, feeling that it was "meant to be" . . . I was so sapped of strength, that I immediately laid back on the pillow in the cool room. It must have been very *cold* because I was constantly asked by concerned nurses if I was sure I didn't want a blanket. Then, they also asked if I didn't want more pillows or the bed's head to be cranked up. I was fine, really, laying there in the cool room just looking up at the ceiling.
They were way behind and it took them a long time to get to me to draw my blood work from my port. The nurse who always works with me could tell I didn't feel good at all. When she was finally available to draw blood, I asked if she thought she'd get any blood with me lying on my back. She assured me she could, but nothing came out. I told her I was sure the life force had left me and the little blood I had left was pooling in my back. She laughed and told me to sit up and we'd see if gravity would take its course. It didn't. I had to breath deeply in and out to make my heart pump harder, at which point I told her I wasn't lying about feeling like I had one foot left on this side of life and the other was in the grave! I truly have felt rotten! I FELT HORRIBLE and honestly had wondered throughout the week if I was dying. I'm not kidding. Those thoughts had crossed my mind several times because I just felt so incredibly weak and out of the real world.
We got my blood drawn and sent to the lab. It was still a long wait (noon) until I was called into the doctor's office. Until she gives the "go ahead" I can't start chemo. She answered a lot of my questions and listened to the changes I had undergone after the 3rd treatment. She said the blood work looked great and she felt I was dehydrated, as well as suffering some side effects of this final drug. I asked if they could give me extra saline to rehydrate me and she said they would.
She also examined me and just grinned - actually laughed with delight - and told me the tumors in my breast were gone to the touch. She said "they have absolutely dissolved away" and I showed her one spot that was still a little firm. She measured it but commented that it wasn't clearly defined and she didn't know from hand palpation what it was - normal tissue or tumor. It was very UNCLEAR. She said she didn't see this type of shrinkage often, but it occasionally happened. She said she didn't know how to counsel me regarding surgery and I should wait to see what the scans showed. She said there were women who elected to have a double mastectomies and the pathology report came back with zero cancer.
So I will wait for the result of my scans, MRI's or whatever they do in a few weeks. She also said there were rare cases (1%) where the scans showed cancer was gone from the bone, too. All that was left of the evidence, of where it had been, was a scarring in the bone. She said it was possible that I'd be that 1% - since my breast cancer (which occupied at least half of my breast, was attached to the chest wall, and was invading some lymph nodes) was NOT able to be detected by her examination. Again - we will wait.
Someone had suggested to me (many have, actually) that I was always so upbeat and positive and had never let myself go through the grief process and I SHOULD do that now to release my pent up feelings. But, I don't have any of those grief process feelings. No anger, fear, sorry, "why *me* God?" questions, etc., etc., I asked her if she thought I was abnormal or suppressing my real feelings. I told her I'm very pragmatic and, through all of this, my faith has carried me and none of those horrible feelings entered my head or heart. I KNOW I have what is called a "very aggressive form of cancer" but crying wouldn't take it away and I just didn't have any fear. "Healing vs. Heaven" are my two choices and neither sounds negative to me.
She said she thought I was doing very well and obviously my healing and the disappearance of the massive tumor was evidence of my well being. So bleah! to the grief charts that say you HAVE TO GO THROUGH ALL THOSE EMOTOINS. I don't *have to* go through anything that isn't from God and I praise Him for carrying me so faithfully this far. I mentioned my conversation about the grief process with my chemo nurse and she gave me the perfect answer, "Cherylyn, people who don't have faith like yours don't understand. People without God don't have the comfort and incredible peace that you have felt. Believe me, people up here (employees and other patients) have noticed you. You *are* different from other people we normally see, and it's the fact Jesus is with you on the inside!" I believe she is right!
The oncologist told me I might really feel knocked down with this last treatment, seeing how pooped I was yesterday going into it, but to remember it was only 2 or 3 weeks and I'd begin to see an improvement in how I feel and my strength would come back, making me feel so much better than I do now. She said it takes 6 - 12 months to totally get back to my old self - but the initial improvement after chemo is stopped would feel tremendous to me.
So, I took the chemo treatment AND the extra saline. That's when surprises began to arrive. I was laying flat on the bed with my arms crossed over my chest and my eyes closed in the dark room. I heard a sound and that's when I opened my eyes to two vases of beautiful flowers on the table tray that goes over the bed. I thought I was in a mortuary and had crossed over! Then I say a huge figured behind the flowers that caused me to jump - my husband! Fortunately, I gasped and didn't scream (my usual reaction!!!) - which would have surely brought nurses running! He had brought me the most beautiful flowers with a balloon that said "Congratulations!" and a card in the flowers that said, "You did it! With love, Jesse" - what a gorgeous surprise. Pink, purple, and white flowers - my favorite color of floral arrangement.
This is 3 views of the same arrangement. It was beautiful from all angles!
To say I closed down the chemo room is an understatement. I was so late getting started with chemo and the extra bag of saline ran me even later, they had actually locked the doors of the building when it was time to for me to leave. I was presented with a "purple heart" certificate saying I had completed all of my treatments and signed by the nurses who had been there during the 16 week process with me. VERY NICE SURPRISE - and a small bottle of sparkling cider that was supposed to look like a champagne bottle.
Cute idea and lots of supportive comments were left for me!
When we left, Jesse said he wanted to take me out to dinner and we dropped the flowers from him off at the house and went out to eat. Of course, it was futile for me - I could barely taste my food, but brought it home in a "to go" box.
When I got home there was stuffed piled everywhere on my desk for me! Boxes, envelopes, etc., etc.!
A new found cancer support friend (a friend of a long time friend, but I haven't met this NEW friend face to face, yet) brought another perfect gift. Lavender body wash and some glass bowls that match my plates perfectly! She was the one I talked to 2 days ago and assured me she felt like she was on death's door the last few treatments. She encouraged me to take the extra saline and go for the last treatment yesterday and just tough it out. She's been awesome for someone who doesn't not know me, but she has heard from God the perfect things to say or do for me!
Jesse's friend, James, who has been so faithful to visit me weekly (and daily in the beginning) brought a hanging ivy plant for me and a beautiful card. He's just the sweetest guy and so sincere! He stayed and visited for about 20 minutes.
My Aunt Doris & Uncle Howard had sent a balloon-gram with shortbread cookies weighting down the balloons of congratulations and cheer and love you's. So perky, gay, and happy looking!
Remember my houseguests this summer? Jesse's 1/2 brother and wife and their 3 children? Well Rich & Angie sent beautiful yellow flowers and a nice card. They were waiting in a box and I was worried the flowers wouldn't survive. Those people in the floral delivery business know what they are doing. The flowers were packed with a wet sponge around the bottom of the cut stems and there was a vase with flower food and directions. They were sunflowers and lilies and, some how, survived the box beautifully! What a surprise!
The other flower arrangement Jesse brought to me in my infirmed state! Again, all angles were pretty!
I received all kinds of emails and e-cards of well wishes and congratulations. Marie stopped by with a card and a box of delicious donuts (a "thing" between she and I)! There was a movie from Jesse, "The Ultimate Gift" which I'd highly recommend. A good story of redemption from greed and a tender story of love between a child and a less than feeling grown man.
I was so overwhelmed. We got in late because of the late hour I left chemo, the drive home, dinner out, etc. I was exhausted. I felt on top of the world to have that final chemo behind me. AND, I know this may be my last "good day" for a week or two, but at least this will be it. The doctor gave me an option of not taking the cell building shot today (the one that causes bone pain) since I don't need to be built back up quickly, but I elected to take it because it builds the cells that help me fight germs. Since we have so many little ones living in this house, I thought it best to be cautious.
To say I'm thrilled to have this behind me is an understatement.
I'm SO TIRED and beaten down. I have no eye lashes, to speak of, or eyebrows and look even more pale without that color on my face.
Rissy took silly pictures of me.
I'm tired, hot, and those "heat hormones" are working double time, which makes wearing my wig a bit hard, because I really went to take it off and fan my face with it!
I think when you blow your bangs up out of your face, you are supposed
to be younger, so you don't have such a sour,
upside-down mouth look!
I really *WAS* happy and not a sour puss!
It's pretty sad when your WIG looks limp and overheated!
It's not even made from real hair!
BUT . . . all is well. I'm rejoicing that this horrible time is over with and now I have a new phase to go through.
Thank you Lord, THIS part is finished!
AND . . .
Thank you ALL for encouraging me and taking me (and my family) under your wing to pray and hold us up when we most needed it. You have left me awestruck with your faithful friendships and the fact you really don't know me, but supported me as if we were close friends in person or real life!
Be Blessed ~
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