June 22, 2009

• Not a Happy Camper

  This is to all of you who have written such positive things to me about my attitude.  This is to all of you who think I am always happy . . .  to those of you who think I *always* find something to be glad about, and to those of you who think I never have a bad day . . .

  1)  What do I fear and dread the most?  Actually, what is the *only* thing I am truly phobic about? 

  (the dentist)

  2)  What have we plied money into these past few years?  I'm talking about tons of money over many, many months? 

  (the dentist)

  3)  What has kept me happy thinking, "At least with chemo, I don't have to go *THERE*?"

  (the dentist)

  4)  What, in the scheme of things, isn't really the worst that could happen, but *could happen* anyway?

  (going to the dentist)

  5)  With the horrific bone pain I experienced last weekend, the experience of our dog trying to overdose on Luci's psych meds (as well as 92 million vitamins) on Wednesday, and the fact I went to Olive Garden on Saturday (the first trip out since chemo began) and my food was the only food that was not good, what ELSE could happen to me in a single week?

  (the dentist)

  6)  What is one of two things they tell you in chemo class that you absolutely can't do (get pregnant is one - what's the other thing)????

  (the dentist)

  7)  Where are these supposed to be and WHO is the only person that can put them back?

                       

  (uh, a clue  . . . those would be two of my top front teeth)

  (the dentist!)

  I can't believe it!  Last night during dinner, I felt the cement break loose.  I ran to my bathroom and spit out my second and third teeth right smack into my hand!

  To new readers:  I'm a dental phobic and need tranquilizers, gas, AND Novocaine to make it through a dental visit.

  Because of my suppressed immune system, going to the dentist is risky.  I can't be cut because my platelet count is low and my blood is thin.  I'm not sure I can have gas, because my red blood count (the cells that carry oxygen) is low and nitrous oxide could compromise my breathing.  AND, I'm not even sure my dentist will be willing to work on me seeing that I am undergoing chemo.

  I'm guessing that the only option will be for me to go in cold turkey with nothing more than Lidocaine on my gums and let him drill (OH YUCK!!!) the cement off of my own tooth, then cement the crown and fake tooth back into my mouth. 

  HOW AM I STAYING SANE?  HOW AM I COUNTING IT ALL JOY?

  I'm not.

  I feel like I'm ugly with no hair and, now, have no front teeth.  I feel like the ONLY thing I'm fearful of is dentists and now I will be forced to face my dentist with no anesthesia or sedatives OR gas (which never puts me to sleep, anyway; but, at least, keeps me from jumping out of the chair).  AND, I missed an incredibly good dinner last night and spent time feeling sorry for myself and crying in our bathroom. 

  The thing I'm glad about?????

  "Pollyanna,"  you'll have to reach REALLY deep to figure out what you can be glad about in *this* dilemma.

  Okay, I'm glad I didn't swallow my teeth (which I DID do one time when I only had one crown).  I think these two teeth cost something like $2500 back in 2005 or 2006.

  I have resolved to fight the spirit of depression, the spirit of self pity, and I *will* get through this, but I don't know if they'll put off my chemo scheduled for Thursday or if the dentist will make me wait until my doctor (oh yeah! she's vacationing in Texas this week) gives him a permission slip to work on my teeth.  I may have to walk around here for a while with no teeth.

  Nope!  Not feeling the joy today!

  Be Blessed  ~

  • 9:42 am
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