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Jesse went to mow today.  More like suck up winter's dead leaves from lawns and then cut the brown grass shorter than short so it will begin to grow back in healthy.  I hope he is able to do all he needs to do without being interrupted by rain.  There's a light drizzle outside, but no big rains are expected until Monday afternoon/evening.  It's overcast outside, but who cares?  I've got these on my desk.

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Remember  me saying I wanted to vacuum the carpet?  Don't be concerned . . . I haven't; but, this is the reason I want to vacuum.

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Also, remember me saying the stuff that used to be on top of the high cupboards was encroaching my counter top space?  I haven't been able to climb and put it anything back up high, but I have solved the count top problem by moving the decorative plates, bowls, and vase to a different location.

I easily fixed dinner last night - with Rissy's help.  Just hamburger patties, beef flavored rice, and some fresh cauliflower that needed to be used up.  I got things going and she finished up.  Annamarie cleaned the kitchen.  As for the things on the formal table - they'll probably sit there until I can't stand looking at them!  Or, until Jesse is able to be home and close by me, while I climb and arrange them on top of the cupboards, again.

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I spent too much time "up" yesterday because of paperwork and phone calls - endless phone calls.  I have that breast MRI on Monday, but then they booked me for a bone scan and CAT scan on Wednesday.  I spoke with the doctor's (surgeon's) nurse and she was very reassuring (another super nice, understanding person).  She told me what she could, based on the little information she had from my previous tests.  Her opinion was "absolutely treatable" unless the new pictures from this coming week tell a totally different and surprising story.  "Treatable" doesn't make any of the "treatment options" pleasant, nor anything I'm looking forward to, but (whatever the treatment plan) it will be necessary, so what's one to do?  You do what you have to do, right???!!! 

I believe my biggest desire (and prayer) right now is to put in place the proper help and plan to allow our house to run as smoothly as possible.  Most everyone we know works and they aren't available to watch the girls during the day while I have tests run or when I have surgery; nor, is their anyone to teach the girls.  Since we school year round, it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world if school had to be put on hold.

An option is to drop 3 subjects - health, science, and history.  The girls are a grade beyond what they need to be and so it can certainly be picked up at a later date and no harm will be done.  We could continue forward with language and math.  AND, Rissy can help the other two with math because she's been out of their book for quite some time. AND, she takes on a "teacher persona" when teaching that's quite different from her bossy-run-the-house persona!

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Speaking of Rissy, I'm kicking myself for letting her play outside for these past few nice days.  It's hard to say "no" to her requests to play, but I know how dangerous March is for her.  It holds some unknown allergen that makes her sick every year.  March was the year (when she was about 5yo) that she was hospitalized and taken by ambulance barely breathing.   I know better than to let her go out, but I did because I felt sorry for her, and now she's sick. 

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I need to make some sense of my paperwork on my desk.  It piles up SOOO quickly.  I also need to change things up in the foster children's room, since we won't be doing that.  At least I can use those cupboards I cleaned out for all my junk boxes of papers until I feel like doing something organized with the stuff!!!  I can also put away the piled up clean blankets, sheets, new pillows, etc. 

Rissy needs light blocking drapes in her bedroom.  We've had a problem with teens (with too much time on their hands) bothering our neighbors across the street.  They are the nicest, Christian people and from India.  They've received racial slurs, menacing TP'ing, and other bothersome pranks.  The Mr. finally installed a motion sensing light that comes on.  It shines like a spotlight in Hollywood (right into Rissy bedroom windows) and I'm fairly certain astronauts in space can see our lighted street from outer space!  It's causing Rissy problems sleeping.  I got up to let Sushi out this morning (around 5am) and the light came through our foyer window and the glass in our front door like a blinding sunshine setting in the west!  I'll have to get a bigger, wider rod and hang it higher than the little rods that hold her see-through lace drapes and just pull shut the light blocking drapes across the double windows at night.  She loves her lace curtains and won't like the fabric of the light blocking drapes, but she can open them past the sides of her windows during the day.

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Changing subject here . . . It's been long enough,now, that I can get my incision sites wet today.  So, I will enjoy a shower and washing my hair.  Need to think about dinner and pull something from the freezer to thaw.

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I laughed at Luci this morning and told her not to move a muscle so I could grab my camera and snap her picture.  This is how she slept as a baby and still how she sleeps AND wakes up each morning!

What a blogging support community y'all have become to me!  Thank you.  I'm glad to know the Internet is used for God's purpose and not just worldly *MIS*use!

I have no clue what my future holds because I have no clue where cancer is growing.  I don't know how large the cancer area is right now.  AND . . . I don't even know my options.  I'm still not reading the Internet to research cancer, because I know so little.  I'll wait and let the expert lady doctor tell me my results, options, and prognosis - which is still the world's view and not God's - when I see her April 7th.

My oldest daughter was horrified that I wasn't a bit upset about having a mastectomy.  I told her I'd be more upset if they were taking away my tongue, because I love to eat and *taste* food; and, we all know how much I love to talk!!!  Surely that would be a greater loss than my breasts, which I hide under vests or cape dress style dresses, anyway!  But, not to enjoy a good conversation or the taste of chocolate???  Much worse!  LOL  I'm trying to keep things in perspective, I really am!

I'm not as sore as I thought I'd be.  AND, I didn't take a percoset last night.  They make me itch.  Not bad, like hives, just like a piece of hair is tickling my cheek, or a tag from my clothing is tickling my arm or the back of my neck.  I find myself brushing away imaginary things tickling my skin.  Extra Strength Tylenol was sufficient.  Today the incisions are itching under the surgical tape (it comes off on Monday).  I'm sure the little nerves in my skin are trying to heal, and the itching there is much more real than the imagined Percoset induced tickling and itching.

I feel pretty good today and if I don't try to do too many heavy tasks over the weekend, I suspect I'll be feeling okay (except for tenderness at the bruised incision sites) come Monday.  I want to run the vacuum cleaner (a really light weight Dyson) but better judgement is keeping me from doing the stupid!  I"ll probably finish my book.

Jesse did all of the remaining laundry, yesterday.  Rissy fixed taco salads for dinner last night and I see Jesse has another package of ground beef thawed and in the refrigerator.  I should be up cooking by tomorrow.  Need to plan next week's school lessons with Monday's MRI as a consideration.

WHY ALL THE PIECES OF CAT IN TODAY'S POST?????

Because isn't that what our life looks like when we face hard times and only get glimpse of pieces here and there?  No matter how hard we try to make sense, we are only seeing pieces that don't appear to fit and we try, try, try to make sense of those odd pieces. 

HOWEVER . . .

This is what God sees:

From the beginning to the end, HE is in control and sees the entire picture.  After all, He is the one weaving circumstances and lives together.  Not us.  He wants us to relax in the knowledge that He is in control.  Not just "head" knowledge" but out of the abundance of our hearts.

Today's To Do List:

*  Stretch a bit and chill out

I just got a call from the nurse who worked with me yesterday and I DO have cancer.  From what she says, it sounds serious because my axillary gland (a lymph gland) is involved.  Apparently it's ductal cancer (milk duct) that has moved to the left axillary armpit.  After surgery, they will even be able to biopsy the tissue to see if it was caused by the estrogen therapy I was on for only a few months.

I will have an MRI on the 23rd of this month, and see a surgeon April 7th.  The surgeon comes highly recommended and is supposed to be very patient.  My questions will have to wait until I see the surgeon and she has the MRI results.

Only God knows what I'm facing.  I would think a mastectomy for sure.  This time, I believe I'll wait until I see the surgeon, rather than research on the web for information all by myself.  I'm sure many questions will form in my mind between now and then.

The worse part of yesterday was the gal (remember the one who told me not to bring my children back?) was my ultra sound tech.  I silently named her "troll girl"  as she had no personality or kind bedside manner.  The doctor was super.  The same nurse as last time was wonderful - AGAIN.  She was the one who just called me with the news.  I felt so sorry for her.  What a job and what a horrible message to call with - not knowing how a person will react. 

They thought I might be pregnant and sent me across the street to the hosptal for an accurate "blood" pregnancy test.  I'm not.  Although, when the lab called Jesse he came to me with the phone up to his ear saying, "So, she is definitely pregnant?  There is no mistake?"  Talk about shock!  After he laughed, I told him to pack and go live with his sister in Tacoma, WA!  I was on the phone with her when he brought the PG news!  She couldn't believe he had done that to me, either!  Anyway, we had a great laugh!

So, we wait.  Whether God has life or death in my near future, is unknown.  How aggressive or severe the treatments may be is also unknown.

I've told Jesse and he is on his way home. 

Friend Ellen, you may be a source of help to me.  You are the only one I known who has battled this same beast.

Bloggie friends, by all means, continue to keep me in your prayers and pray that I stay in close fellowship with God.  The *ONLY* one who can save, heal, and deliver.

Be Blessed  ~

If not, I promise I'll be back soon.

Be Blessed  ~

  
(Sushi feel asleep with her face under the corner of carpet!)

We left the physical therapist's office and I decided it would be a great day to take the girls to lunch.  It's been months since we've gone to lunch together.  Our Friday McDonald lunches, eaten in the car, while we drive to the therapy appointments, don't count as *lunch* - not in my book, anyway!  We ended up at Chili's - our usual favorite, "expensive" lunch place.  Rissy and I had burgers and Annamarie & Luci had macaroni & cheese with a side of baked cinnamon apples.  We ordered one dessert and split it four ways.

  
(Chirper, wrapped in a sweat shirt, being kissed and loved.  Yes!  He's smiling!)

We left Chili's and went to Wal-Mart to get dog food.  With the addition of Sushi to our family's menagerie, the dog food doesn't last nearly as long as when we just had Sampson!  I bought two 20lb sacks of food and I'm hoping that gets us through the week.  No!  No!  Just teasing!  But . . . it *does* seem to disappear mysteriously fast!

  
(More hugs and kisses and *LOTS* of loud purring)

I came home and paid all of the bills through the end of this month.  The ones that had arrived in the mail, anyway.  I don't want anything looming over my head after tomorrow.  I had intentions of wrapping Annamarie's gifts, but I began to feel achy and "not so great." 

When it was 6:30p (30 minutes before Jesse gets off work), I called Jesse and declared I didn't think I felt very good.  Couldn't explain it, but I felt like doing nothing at all and kind of achy.  He said I shouldn't worry, he'd pick up some burgers on the way home.  I took my temperature and found I had a 2 degree elevated fever.  NO WONDER I FELT BAD!!!  It's rare for me to get a fever of any kind and 2 degrees is enough to make me feel really horrible.

I only ate half of my burger and went to bed and was soon asleep.  I was awakened when Jesse took off my glasses and, again, when he removed the remote control from my sleeping hand!

I'm doing my laundry today and any of the girls' baskets full of dirty clothes.  I WILL wrap Annamarie's gifts.  Then I can "recover" in peace after tomorrow's procedure.

I also wrote a letter, yesterday, asking for an increase in Rissy's subsidy from the state.  I have a letter from her neurologist that states she has cerebral palsy, scoliosis, and is being seen by physical therapists.  A call was made to me this morning from someone in the subsidy office giving me advice about how to write my letter to ensure my subsidy increase would be approved.  Sometimes those people in the state office are REALLY nice!!!  Hopefully, the increase will be approved and I can take her to a chiropractor for adjustments.  Her insurance does not cover chiropractors under any circumstances. 

Today's To Do List:
*  Finish and mail letter to the state for Rissy's medical subsidy
*  Finish my laundry and whoever else gets theirs to me
*  Chicken breast somethin' or other for dinner
*  Wrap Annamarie's b-day gifts
*  Clean off desk
*  Teach as much as I can, in between doing all the other things of my list
*  Shower and wash my hair (I'm not sure how long it will be before I can raise my arms to wash my hair, again!!!)

Be Blessed  ~

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As you know, I homeschool my three daughters.  What you don't know is that we have no "grade levels" in our homeschool.   Annamarie will be 9yo, on the 29th of March.  She has been diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (NOS) on the autistic spectrum.  (big words for "has a hard time remembering rules, making logical & wise decisions, or retaining things taught")  She is in Kindergarten and does some 1st grade work.

Luci (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) is VERY bright at 6.5yo.  I don't doubt she will soon pass up Annamarie in the same grade level school books, in which they both work.  They are in the same books, but Annamarie reads slightly better - something that makes her feel good, considering Luci still stumbles when reading.  So, I ask Annamarie to read the instructions in their books, because it makes Annamarie feel successful.  Unfortunately, Luci throws fits and acts ugly (sometimes) in school.  The short time she was in public school (Pre-K) caused her to be expelled.  Not "suspended" - EXPELLED!!!!  They didn't want her back because she was too disruptive.

Rissy has mild cerebral palsy, is very bright, and excels in schoolwork and everything else she does.  She excels because she is an overachiever and a perfectionist.  She drives herself crazy trying to be perfect in every new thing she is taught.  Sometimes she cries in school because she doesn't understand an assignment.

Our school books range from Kindergarten to 2nd grade levels and each child works at her own rate of mastery.  Rissy reads the 2nd grade history, health, and science books out loud, and Annamarie and Luci follow the words with their pencils.  When Luci and Annamarie have to answer study questions (that I read out loud), they use phonics to determine the first letter of the correct answer and are required to write only that one letter (for example: "c" for calcium).  Rissy has to write her entire answer in sentence form.

Digits or letters written backwards (like: d's, b's, and 3's and 6's) are corrected with my ink pen and an "Oops!  That's facing the wrong direction," comment from me.  They'll get it right someday. 

My oldest daughter (now 30) had a bunch of fancy name diagnoses when she was in school - that is - BEFORE she dropped out of high school.  I learned from her that hours of concentration could be spent, in her room, successfully playing Mario Brothers on her Nintendo; but, she couldn't tell us how to get home from a 1/2 a mile away.  She couldn't remember dates, names, or details of the great wars in history or the people involved.  Homework wasn't done because she didn't realize she HAD homework assignments.  If homework made it home, it was lost before she got back to school.  If it DID make it to school, she frequently didn't hear the teacher ask that homework be placed in a box on the teacher's desk.  She spent much time in a daze.  Not because she was rebeling, but because she lacked/s the ability to concentrate for long periods of time.  She never memorized multiplication facts.  Letters were written backwards.  She began to read on a high school level in elementary school; but, in high school she spelled like a child in elementary school - phonetically . . . and still does.  I have given her watches and day planner books, I' ve helped her organize her closet, pantry, business papers . . . all to no avail.  BUT, she functions in the world - and only God knows how.

My point is, I'm well aware of labels placed on children and names affixed (like "jerk" or "dumb blond") and how damaging that is to a person's self-esteem.  If you want a glimpse into their world - I would, again, recommend you read my friend's (Laurie's) blog about ADHD.

So, in our home and our homeschool, we don't move on until a job is learned and understood.  You don't move forward until you can correctly figure 4+1=5 (not 8), how to empty the dishwasher and put the dishes away, or when it's time to empty trash you must go systematically through each room to gather all the trash and not miss a waste basket.  Some of my girls can add and subtract with their eyes closed (because they visualize candy being given or taken from them) and some have simply memorized the facts.   One has to literally have objects placed in front of her and either added to or taken away from her.  She can't add 2+2 on her fingers, because she sometimes ends up using two hands (2+2 fingers on each hand) and comes up with 8.

1a)  My point is that Rissy (with C.P.) was handed to me and I was told, "IF she lives, she'll probably be a vegetable." 

2a)  I was told that Annamarie would probably never read or be able to balance a check book.  I should put her in public school, because teaching a child like her took immense patience.  And, a child with her diagnoses was the most unrewarding type of child to teach. 

3a)  AND, I was told Luci, the fit thrower, was best sent to public school because she would drive me crazy.  A therapist (a "good one") told me she had a better than 50/50 chance of turning out okay since we were so consistent at home and I was consistent in home school.  It meant "at home" was probably the best place for her.

Actually, that same therapist told me all of the girls were probably doing well due to the fact they were homeschooled and we spent so much one on one time with them.. 

You see, I homeschool making allowances for each child's "uniqueness" - not their "deficits." 

When my children are asked by outsiders, "What grade are you in in school?"  They answer, "We are homeschooled.  We don't have grades." 

Next comes the question from the insistent stranger, "Well, you *must* be in a grade in homeschool.  What grade are you in in homeschool?" 

That's when I intervene.  I tell them, "We work in whatever grade level is appropriate for each child's proficiency in a particular subject.  We don't move onto the next grade level unless the child understands at least 80% of what is taught in the current grade level." 

Most people frown, scratch their heads, and slowly respond, "You know?  That's probably how it should be.  I guess children would benefit if they weren't advanced to the next grade without mastering the previous grade level."

That's when I smile and say, "Well, that's what we believe."

Children with learning problems, or behavioral problems, can learn SOMETHING.  They should never be categorized into problem groups and labeled with awful names.  God sees each of us as His unique creations.  That means the child who never learns to be organized isn't minimized in God's kingdom. 

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe we will be asked, as a prerequisite, to enter the gates of heaven, "If a train left the station going 60mph and, 15 minutes later, a second train left the same station going 70mph - how long would it take the second train to catch up with the first train?"

If we are required to know that answer to enter heaven - I'm in trouble.

In fact, please don't expect me to be perfect today - I have to run and don't have time to proof read this!

Be Blessed  ~

The painter, Don, is supposed to be here to finish painting the garage ceiling.  I don't know if he will, since our temperatures are in the 40's.  I think it's supposed to be 50-something (like me! ) when you paint.

I'm gradually getting the house put back together.  Mostly it's the floors/carpets with bits of torn up *things* from Sushi that I find irritating. Then, my kitchen counters (which are NOT spacious) are still cluttered with the things that used to be on top of the cabinets - that big space where the cabinets stop and the ceiling starts.  Maybe Jesse can help me get those things back in place today.  It's hard to cook around the mess of vases, plates, and baskets of silk greenery on my counter tops.  Yet I manage, somehow, to make 3 meals a day.

The physical therapist called and Rissy will see her Monday instead of Wednesday.  We should start hearing from other people that the neurologist lined up for her.

I spoke with the girls' therapist yesterday - all about *ME* - and she and I ended up laughing.  Laughter did me good.  Things have been so crazy and busy and chaotic, that I think I've forgotten to smile or laugh.  I still have the same dry sense of humor; but, a dry sense of humor isn't the same as laughter.  Maybe that's why God considers it a "good medicine."

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I'd like to wrap Annamarie's gifts this weekend.  I just don't know how sore I'll be after the biopsies on Wednesday.  If I DO have trouble recovering, I know I'll fret about those silly gifts being unwrapped.  Jesse IS taking that day and the rest of the week off to help me.  I talked with the nurse and I AM having the most invasive type of needle biopsy - with the largest gauge needle and something like a spring gun to remove tissue inside  . . . doesn't that sound lovely? - NOT!   Also, I will have pieces of sponge left inside of me to absorb the bleeding.  They will eventually be dissolved by my body - like sutures that don' t need to be removed.  If history is any indication of how this procedure's recovery will be, it screams of my body reacting violently to trauma (any injury) and invasive foreign bodies (sponges and metal markers being left in my body in 3 places) and my own body attempting to fight back!  I've never done well with "simple" procedures - my body rebels violently.  I'm not nervous about the outcome of the biopsy, but VERY nervous about the recovery time.  Anyway, if most of Annamarie's b-day plans are secure, I know I'll rest easier.  Despite my need to rest and concentrate on recovering, I can't help but put my children and husband first.  That's just my M.O.

We had donuts for breakfast.  I bought a boat load of them yesterday and we had them with our "breakfast for dinner" last night.  Unfortunately, I forgot to put "chocolate" on my grocery list and my secret stash is running low!  For breakfast, this morning, we had bananas and donuts.  The bananas were perfectly ripe.  I bought some green ones to last us through the week.  But, I may have to make an emergency run to buy chocolate for myself.  It's such a comfort!

I bought the girls some blouses/tops at Wal-Mart yesterday.  Just short sleeve wide flowing cut t-shirt fabric tops.  No fancy frills or patterned fabrics.  Hopefully, these are things they can wear this spring with their denim skirts.  Finding "not tight fitting" or "not" low cut tops is difficult.   Then there are the wild patterns.  We are so unassuming and plain . . . makes shopping tough.

Guess I'll get in the bath and see what the day holds in store for us.  Jesse is home until Monday, except for one yard he has to clear leaves from this morning.

Be Blessed  ~

1.  I CAN'T FIND MY HOSPITAL PAPERS!  I may have mentioned that I had misplaced them.  So, I asked the hospital to send me more forms (part were financial forms for me to receive a cancer grant) and they arrived yesterday. 

This morning, I began to fill them out (again) and saw that a current bank statement was requested.  Well, our current bank statement reflects a huge check from our insurance company.  I figured I'd just copy the insurance letter to prove we don't make an extra $8000 a month.

Guess what?

2.  THE INSURANCE PAPERS ARE MISSING, TOO!!!!!

I'm sure I did something very smart (and safe) with the set of hospital forms and insurance papers, SINCE THEY ARE SO IMPORTANT, and now can't find either one. 

I bet they are together. 

Please pray that I find them.  I've spent all morning looking for them and have been on the phone with the bank who is printing me the statement I haven't received yet for this month.  Of course, the new statement not only shows the balance from the insurance company, but our tax refund, too.  Somewhere near another $8000 deposited this month, which is HIGHLY unusual for us.

I'm picking up  the statement from the bank and have this last check stub from the insurance company to prove where that huge check came from.

I'm running late.  Have to get in the shower and wash my hair so I can leave in an hour and a half to take the girls to their therapy appointment.

No time to blog - only complain . . . and ask for prayers.

It truly feels like my house (or at least my filing system) sits directly in the Bermuda Triangle!!!

Be Blessed  ~

The wind, before bed time, was gale force!  We could hear the things on our backyard patio being thrown against the house and we could hear those things skip across the concrete before hitting the house.  This time, they were right! 

There isn't a lot of the white stuff, but it's pretty and welcome, as we have seen next to NO SNOW this winter.

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Yesterday afternoon, Stephanie came over and I did her income taxes for her (very easy) and she's getting back about the same amount we should be receiving.  Since she's now unemployed, that was VERY good news to her.  A bit of a security blanket while she looks for another job.  I was in the middle of teaching 2 days of school when she called and asked to come over.  We finished math, langauge, spelling, and phonics, but never got to history, health, or science . . . OR, Bible (again!).

I got the girls bed linens washed yesterday.  Just in time, too.  Stephanie came with two baskets of laundry to wash while I did her taxes.  Then, she and JanaLyn stayed for dinner.  I'm sure Stephanie was disappointed.  It wasn't the usual "bill of fare" she's used to eating here; but, chicken tenders, green beans, corn, rice, canned pear halves, and whole berry cranberry sauce.  She didn't turn it down!  (There weren't even biscuits served!)

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While I checked some e-mail, this morning, the den became the cozy place for gathering.  Everyone was feeling toasty, warm.
  

Only one problem, Jesse closed the flue without telling me and the room also quickly filled with smoke.  I fanned the back door open and closed for fear the smoke detector would go off.  Not the battery ones that beep, but the one attached to our alarm system that directly calls the fire department.  I've, embarrassingly, . . . uh . . . , *over cooked some food* in the past, and the fire department has been quick to call the house within seconds of the alarm going off.  Totally humiliating!

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The other family photographer was out with her camera trying to capture the snowy yard.  She came in freezing and covered with the white stuff!
  

Be Blessed  ~