April 23, 2008
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Blah Wednesday
This will be as brief as I can make it, so it’s not a totally depressing post.
I’ve been struggling lately with my ability to parent. Annamarie has been diagnosed with severe Pervasive Developmental Disorder (connected to autism) and Luci has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. They both see a therapist once a week and the therapist is available to me if I need her. I’ve needed her last week and the week before.
Luci has been “over the top” lately. She’s throwing horrible fits, yelling hateful things, and screaming this high pitched scream at the top of her lungs that pierces every fiber of my being (not to mention my ear drums). I had my fill of her last night when I served a stir-fry meal and gave her one small piece of zucchini and one small piece of yellow squash (vegetables she doesn’t like). I tried to fill her pasta with tomatoes (she loves), celery, and chicken to please her. She went ballistic and threw a fit in her chair when she saw the two pieces of squash. When asked to leave the table, she jumped up and down in her chair than ran with her high pitched scream. I didn’t handle it well at all. Last Friday, she threw her first major fit at the therapist’s office. The therapist sent for me in the waiting room and they quickly ushered me through everyone’s office to get me to the “playroom” as quickly as possible. Luci was sitting in a bean bag chair shouting, screaming, kicking, and, well, you get the picture. The therapist (who specializes in children with this disorder) was visibly shaken. Her entire body was trembling and I said, “THIS is what I deal with several times a day – or even worse behavior.”
Annamarie has, seemingly, forgotten most everything I’ve ever taught (repeatedly taught, over and over again) and has done things that are just “without thought” (or, “dumb” to put it in unkind terms). She’s edgy all the time (like pre-teen hormones, yet she is only eight) and fights with her sisters. I know teaching a child with PDD is not the easiest task and very unrewarding, but I feel committed to homeschooling these 3 children and can’t ship them off to a public school for the sake of “special ed teachers” – just to make my life easier (and that would be the ONLY reason I would do that).
I think the little bit of patience I had left (yesterday) flew out the window (last night). Fortunately, we school year round with no official breaks. I am taking a “break” today from teaching or using what few brain cells I have left. Jesse wants Luci on heavy medication and her therapist says she HAS to be given the chance to learn how to “self-calm” before being drugged up. It makes sense to me. Luci’s physician (IMO) over medicates all patients. Luci was on five different (heavy duty) drugs at one time and her fits never subsided. Now, Luci takes one medication for bi-polar disorder, which is also used for emotional outbursts. I feel very uneasy giving her psych drugs without FIRST trying to teach her to control her emotions. I’ve read so much about Oppositional Defiance Disorder and the general consensus is that it isn’t treatable with a pill.
It’s another gray day and we are under the threat of severe storms (typical Oklahoma spring weather) and so leaving the house to “get away” really isn’t an option.
Happy,happy post . . . right? So sorry.
Comments (7)
I am soo sorry.Some of what I had written out the day before had to do with my parenting skills or lack there of and I erased it.
Thank you for being honest.
I will pray.
Tina
So sorry things are so difficult right now. I hope things settle back down to being manageable. I think it is a great idea to take a break today and regroup your strength. I applaud your ability to homeshool your children. I am not sure I could do that. I struggle with being pretty inpatient at times. Do you ever get any respite care??? Not that you would want your children to go away, but a weekend without the demand of their care sure does alot for your own ability to provide better care and patience the other times of the month. I have to admit the weekends when Erik is not with us, is a time when I feel like I can calm down and breathe. I don’t have to always be wondering where he is and what he is doing. It makes it so I can maintain that heightened level of supervision the others times. We have county service and I am also a social worker for a different county that works with families with children with disabilities. What kind of services does you state have for children with disabilities? Hope you are able to take some time and take care of yourself!
@Ostara -
No respite. Never. I had her in a daycare ($500 month – OUR expense), but we couldn’t afford it. Since I don’t work, it wasn’t tax deductible.
I’ve asked around our state children services and the girls’ therapist. No one seems to know of any respite care available except daycare programs waaaay across town and that’s for an evening or afternoon, only. My husband doesn’t really agree with that, anyway. He thinks “date nights” are silly – so sending a child away who we willingly adopted (so WE can get a break from her) isn’t an option for me.
When she was in daycare, things were MUCH easier to manage when she came home. I understand your weekend regrouping times. It’s like a whirlwind in the house when ODD children live within.
Oh, I am so sorry. I wish I knew what to say to help you, but I don’t. I do know that you’re doing better with them than I ever could, and I applaude you for that!
I have had days like that also. I hope it gets better soon.
My heart aches for you. You DEFINITELY need respite.. in some way, shape or form. I know we willingly adopted our children and I willingly gave birth two my other two, but STILL needed to get away under NORMAL circumstances. You need support network to get you through these extremely difficult days. I’ll be praying one is in place for you, whether through the therapist that’s available or someone else. Thank you for sharing this with us. I’ll be praying fervently for you. (((((((
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I typed a bit and then erased it and then typed some more, and so on. I could not put into words what I wanted to express. However here is an attempt. You are so strong it seems. Under those circumstances I do not know how I would handle it except for the grace only the Lord could give me. I do know one thing you must be an exceptionally amazing person for the Lord to trust you with those precious children, knowing only YOU could be thought so equipped for the job that he blessed you with them. You are in my prayers.